I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
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