Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
