A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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