Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
pop tarts are not kleenex
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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