The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Acid is not a monday night drug
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Randomize
