You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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