He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
