you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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