I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
