You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Randomize
