I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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