and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
