If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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