I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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