at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
