Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
time to smoke my breakfast
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
