You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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