I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize