1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Randomize
