I am puke
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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