Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
