smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
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