Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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