is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Randomize