I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Randomize
