Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
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