Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
