She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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