God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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