Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
