How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
