I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
