This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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