Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Randomize
