There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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