he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize
