When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
My vagina just recognized that song.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
