Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
