Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
