I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
