please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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