I'm going to jail i love you
I wish I only lived at night.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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