I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
