i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Randomize
