I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Someone came in the potted fern
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
