I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
