i permit you to call me
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
