I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
