My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
