he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
i came on her dog
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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