My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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