well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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