a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
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