i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
