So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I didn't shave. On purpose
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
