9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
