Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
