No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
