i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
