OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I would fuck him just for his dog
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Randomize
