I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
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