Why does Corona taste like a burp?
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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