I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
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