Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
