Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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