how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
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